The Magnificent Green Beast
by unjaundiced
Summary: Captain Kakashi and his First Mate, Iruka, hunt for the Magnificent Green Beast. Crack ensues. semi-AU!crossover, but not really


A semi-AU!crossover that should reveal itself fairly quickly. The "semi" part comes at the end. Warning, it's so crack the DEA and Interpol might come and get you for reading this!

**The Magnificent Green Beast**

* * *

A large pitch-coated caravel sliced through the deep blue of the open ocean, creamy canvas sails swollen with a strong ocean breeze. Two men could be seen on deck, one pale in a large heavy leather coat doing its best to billow in the wind, tricorn leather hat clutched in a gloved fist, the other hand pointing dramatically at a strange dark spot in the water ahead of them. The other man, a darker shadow of the first, long brown hair tied in a tail on his head, rough white shirt and brown pants billowing with more enthusiasm that the first man's reluctant jacket, waved a fist at his back. A bright red sash trailed behind him like the tail of a kite, held aloft by the wind.

"After him!"

"Captain Hatake!"

"I told you before and I don't want to have to say it again. Call me Kakashi!"

"Captain Kakashi is too much alliteration!"

"Captain starts with a "C" and Kakashi starts with a "K". They're two different letters!"

"They sound the same!"

"Only to the untrained ear."

"You're an idiot!"

"Okay, call me Oyabun then!"

"No way."

"That's okay. Kanchou-sama will also do nicely."

"Over my dead body."

"How about master?" That was said in a disturbingly sensuous purr.

In response Iruka slapped him upside his head. Kakashi stood, arms still crossed, leather hat wagging in the wind disapprovingly, tutting softly.

"Insubordination? Mutiny? This calls for lashes." A pause. "Unless you'd prefer a spanking." Cue wicked smile.

Iruka could have slapped him again out of sheer aggravation but Naruto saved him from expending the effort by taking a flying leap at Kakashi, teethed bared and ready to bite. Sakura took a moment to kick a few pebbles at Kakashi's head from where she was perched in the crow's nest.

"ITAI! Dammit! How did you train your damn pets to attack me," Kakashi yelped as he waved his arm, a bright orange fox hanging off his sleeve, and dodged the stones being pelted at him by an angry and [accidentally he would swear] pink-dyed pelican.

"They're not pets, they're family," Iruka yelled, pointing accusingly, looking affronted.

"Orphans, tag-alongs, whatever," Kakashi cried, torn between pulling at Naruto's tail and guarding himself against Sakura's rocky missiles.

"They're not 'whatever'!" Iruka stumbled a little as the boat rocked suddenly under his feet.

Sakura concurred by kicking sticks at Kakashi while Naruto had managed to wrap his limbs around Kakashi's arm, digging his claws into the thick leather of the sleeve so he could more freely gnaw on the now-exposed wrist. Kakashi responded by batting at him with his hat.

"Defend me, dammit!" Kakashi waved a fist towards a pile of bodies lounging in the alcove just below the steerage deck.

Kakashi's own dogs looked less than inclined to aid or abet their master. In fact, one looked so bored he might as well have been dead. There was one that looked like it was going to start kicking pebbles at Kakashi as well just for fun and the rest looked like they were going to have seizures from their canine laughter.

From under the wheel, a black raven peeked out to observe the commotion. If he could have rolled his eyes, he would have. Instead he settled for flying down and taking up residence on Iruka's shoulder where he proceeded to tug at his hair in an attempt to get his attention.

Iruka turned to scold Sasuke when he found himself face-to-face with a huge beak.

"Uh… Captain? CAPTAIN! KANCHOU," Iruka yelled as he backpedaled, trying to gain space between himself and the huge face in front of him.

Kakashi looked up from his arm flailing and death threats curiously. Naruto hung from his sleeve snarling rabidly for a few seconds before he realised his thrill ride had stopped. His eyes flicked towards Iruka then did a double take, his jaw dropping, gravity sending him to the floor. Kakashi, arm now freed from its burden, took up a thoughtful pose, masked chin propped on a gloved fist, other arm resting around his waist, fingers drumming against his coat, hat crushed under his armpit.

"Ah, that's right!" Kakashi pounded a fist into his open palm in realisation, not realising his now sad-looking hat had made a stealthy escape. "We were HUNTING!"

"Are you CRAZY," Iruka fairly hissed, irate, as he scrambled behind Kakashi.

"Only because of you and even then, only every third Sunday," Kakashi chirped happily, looking over his shoulder to eye-smile at his first mate.

"It's Tuesday now and that's beside the point," Iruka barked, shoving Kakashi forward. "He's YOUR rival! Now go to it!"

Kakashi's eye drooped lower than usual, sliding sideways to eye the giant turtle, beak to port with the ship. The giant turtle, with its flamboyantly bright green and black bi-coloring, seemed to smile. Its black crown shone brightly in the sun, strangely thick black brow scales raised over large round eyes in an expression of excitement.

"Ne, he kind of takes the thrill out of the hunt when he comes right to you, doesn't he," Kakashi muttered to Iruka.

The giant turtle seemed to radiant pure glee at Kakashi's visible reluctance, a strange shiny glint appearing at the corner of its beak. It seemed to salute, then backed up enough for them to see it seem to strike a disturbingly dramatic pose, flippers outstretched like it was going to attempt a pirouette. At its side, a much smaller but no less flamboyantly bright green, turtle thrust itself out of the water to land on the shell of the huge turtle, striking a strangely familiar pose, bright orange hind flippers blinding in the midday sun. A black-crested white cormorant squawked overhead, shaking its head. Back in the water, a grouchy-looking purple-grey dolphin poked its head out to stare at the turtle duo and blew a spent breath out its blowhole, shaking its head in agreement with the bird.

Iruka groaned, clapping a hand over his eyes. Naruto ran to the port side of the ship, climbing up to peer out of one of the spaces between the railing posts, barking madly at the strange turtles. Up in the crow's nest, Sakura seemed to shake and ducked down out of sight, pink tufted head peeking over from time to time.

The smaller turtle changed poses, saluting them back and waving its fore flippers. Naruto seemed to get even more enraged by this and tried jumping off the ship. Iruka barely managed to snag him by the scruff of his neck and shook him slightly in warning. The smaller turtle's beak glinted oddly and it seemed to radiate a sense of fluffy joy. Iruka felt like he was seeing a beam of hearts flying in a straight line to the crow's nest, but it was probably just the sun. Up in the crow's nest, Sakura lay plastered to the floor panting in terror as she imagined the sound of the Beam of Love impacting the wood around her.

The giant turtle seemed to wink and waved a flipper, paddling at a suspiciously slow pace away before kicking hard, sending a wall of water cascading over the boat. Naruto dropped to the deck, heavily soaked and looking like a skinny rag doll. Iruka sputtered, cursing as the salt stung his eyes. Kakashi hid behind the thick main mast, rescued hat protecting a bright pink book with the "DAME" mark on the back. Sasuke fluttered over their heads, an annoyed look plastered on his face.

The dogs, having scrambled to the steerage deck, peered down with thinly veiled amusement. Naruto wobbled heavily to the railing, barking furiously again. Kakashi spotted a drop of water on his book's cover, temper flaring. He came charging from behind the sanctuary of the main mast.

"Let's go," Kakashi shouted, suddenly pushing a still-cursing Iruka.

"Wh-What?" Iruka scrubbed frantically at his eyes, still blinded by the salt water.

"We're going to get that damn turtle, once and for all!" Kakashi snagged Iruka's wrist and started to drag him towards the longboats.

"What? Why all of a sudden?" Iruka was pulled along mercilessly, struggling to pry Kakashi's grip from his arm.

"That _THING_ got my book wet," Kakashi snarled. Iruka gaped, then clenched his teeth.

"Are you _INSANE_? Oh for the love of—_"_

Kakashi released Iruka and frantically began to lower the boat into the water. Iruka crossed his arms, tapping a foot in impatience and grimacing at his soggy clothes.

"No one, but NO ONE touches my Icha Icha and gets away with it," Kakashi shouted angrily. "Now get in the boat!"

"Oh, I hardly think so," Iruka muttered. He might have said something about madmen and being lost at sea, but Kakashi was hardly listening.

"Get in the boat or I'll pull off that loincloth of yours!" Kakashi pointed at the bright red length of fabric draping Iruka's hip.

"It's not a loincloth!" Iruka flashed a look down to confirm that, no it was indeed not a loincloth. He had to make sure.

"It's a piece of fabric that hangs down between your legs in the front and the back, covering your unmentionables— It's a loincloth! Besides, you're wearing pants!" Kakashi was always one to argue semantics.

"It's a cultural thing. You wouldn't understand." Iruka sniffed haughtily. Kakashi really had never understood his tribe's ways.

"No, it's a you thing and you do it to be obnoxious," Kakashi grumbled.

"That too." Iruka couldn't deny that aggravating Kakashi was a special hobby of his.

"So get in the boat," Kakashi commanded.

"I'm not helping you chase a stupid turtle over a damp book," Iruka said, catching a damp Naruto with his foot as he tried to jump into the boat.

Kakashi scrubbed at his hair in frustration, the wild silvery bush waving madly. Naruto wriggled in Iruka's grasp, barking in frustrated agreement.

"He killed my mother and my sisters! My father was crushed to death under his slimy shell trying to pull them from the briny deep! The family's fortune was lost!" Kakashi was a terrible liar.

"You don't have any sisters and your mother is a librarian! Your father gets sea sick and can't even go fishing on the pond!" Iruka pointed an accusing finger at his captain.

" It sounds a lot better than that stupid turtle disrupting shipping lanes so my monthly editions of Jiraiya's novels don't reach me in time," Kakashi sniffed, looking a little pathetic. Iruka lost it.

"YOU'RE COMPETING WITH A GIANT TURTLE OVER PORN?"

The dogs on the upper deck seemed to roll with laughter, pitching across the deck, back over belly as the ship swayed. Sakura flew down and tried to peck at Kakashi's head. Sasuke perched on the rail of the longboat and ruffled his feathers in annoyance. The turtles seemed to be making random poses and the dolphin sank beneath the water glumly, leaving a trail of depressed-looking bubbles to mark his passing. The cormorant landed on the ship's wheel and shook her head violently, looking bereaved.

* * *

"And then the incredibly talented and handsome, mysterious Captain Kakashi chased down the Magnificent Green Beast and made him pay for keeping his Icha Icha from him. The End." Kakashi closed the book he was reading, eye arched in a happy smile. Next to him, a trio of costumed genin shot him death glares, mentally stabbing him with kunai.

"The story degenerated so much, you can't even call it Moby Dick anymore," an angry Iruka shouted into Kakashi's ear, yanking the book out of his hands.

"The ending sucked anyways," Kakashi said boredly, already reaching into his hip pouch for his trusty Icha Icha.

"I hate reading with you," Iruka muttered, eyeing the Icha Icha with the killing intent of a thousand homicidal Nuke-nin.

"But no one else will help out with 'Kakashi's Reading Corner' and I still have 573 hours of compulsory community service to complete," Kakashi whined slightly, paging through his book to find his place.

"It your fault for slicing off the Mizukage's dress and exposing her to the Daimyo at the Hokage Summit," Iruka barked, making a lunge for the Icha Icha.

"No, it's not! I thought there was a swarm of spiders on her! I was just trying to kill them! And she's a kage. She should be better than that. And she's a shameless hussy for wearing so little in the first place. It didn't make a difference before or after." Kakashi danced out of Iruka's way.

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Gai and Lee stood in front of the shocked audience consisting primarily of pre-genin, posing in all their glittery green glory, large papier mache shells on their backs. Neji and TenTen stood at their sides looking depressed in their dolphin and bird costumes, slowly sidling closer to Team 7.

"Not to mention that it's your fault for mentioning it to Gai so he'd turn it into a challenge," Iruka accused, pointing at the two green nin.

"I don't know why I can't just do D-rank missions again," Kakashi muttered, poking a pinky finger in his ear.

"This IS the ultimate D-rank mission!" Iruka yanked the Icha Icha out of Kakashi's hand and threw it in a drawer before slapping a seal on it. "Plus there are no more swamps to clean or cats to bathe! Did you forget? That set of D-rank missions was the FIRST part of your punishment!"

"The brats are here. That's makes this more of a B-rank mission. Plus Gai? That's at LEAST an A-rank!" Kakashi fretted, eyeing the drawer and waving an arm at his team and Gai in expansive frustration. Said brats turned up the power on their hateful glares, Naruto deciding to become vocal about it and shouting curses at Kakashi.

"SO HIP!" Gai gave them a "Good Guy Pose #53" complete with "Crashing Waves Sunset #4" background. The pre-genin looked as if they didn't know whether to be awed or disturbed.

"Why am I here again," Kakashi asked, ignoring Gai.

"IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A PERVERT," Iruka yelled, slapping the back of Kakashi's head.

"Maa, I let you choose the name at least," Kakashi muttered, rubbing his new bruise.

"That would be because 'Kakashi's Literacy for Kneecap Nibblers' is NOT an acceptable name for a mission!" Iruka crossed his arms and struck "Angry Teacher Pose #21" complete with "Radiating Killing Intent #92".

The pre-genin took on a collective devilish gleam at that. Team 7, Kakashi-pranking senses tingling, turned on their collective evils as well. Iruka's well-honed prank senses went off and he poofed away just as the pre-genin and Team 7 let out a loud holler and charged Kakashi screaming about not being kneecap nibblers and stupid missions. Sasuke, of course, didn't scream, but he was in the thick of things with his chakra wire.

Iruka poofed back into existence next to a still flamboyantly posing Gai and Lee. He sighed in frustration, rubbing at the bridge of his nose, before shoving the two of them into the fray. He really wasn't getting paid enough to put up with this nonsense.

* * *

*****NOTES*****

Vocab Learnings X-post [ unjaundiced. livejournal. com/107750. html#cutid1 ]


End file.
